It was the happiest day of Preethi’s life. She was getting married! And to none other than the love of her life. It was almost muhurtham time… And of course, like every bride, she found herself in her changing room, in the middle of a crowd of strangers (well, almost – they were from the groom’s family), with all of them trying to make sure her madisaar was draped right!
It was already 06.30 am and the last thing she wanted was for her mother to panic due to the delay. Finally, once the best decision was taken (as the madisaar stayed upright finally!), she stepped out. She gave an exasperated smile to her sister who was clicking pictures of every step of her “Madisaar bride look” and uploading on the numerous WhatsApp groups.
Through all this “Ponna koopdungo, neram aachu” (Call the bride, it is getting late!), multiple decision making on her clothes and hair and the hundreds of garlands exchanged, Preethi knew she did not look perfect. But as she stepped out, she saw her mother’s beaming tear filled smile and that made her feel that she looked like a goddess. Through all the wordless tears and smiles which came at the same time, she knew what her mother would be thinking; after all, all three of them had that single thought in their mind throughout the wedding preparation. They had never needed to say it out loud because it was obvious. And that was how much they missed their father, and wished he was here to be a part of all this. Her mother rushed to her and kissed her forehead. As Preethi looked at her with tears welling up in her eyes as well, she hugged her the iron lady who had brought them up all these years.
As she walked on stage, suddenly through all the chaos, she felt as though she was moving in slow motion. Her brain muted all the sounds around her and she saw the stage more clearly – Her loving aunt and uncle smiling, waiting to give her away; her to-be-husband also beaming nervously; all the photographers, cousins, friends excitedly waiting to see her tie the knot. She smiled wide to see them all – the important people in her life, who had made time to make it to her day, her special day, to see her happy.
And then her smile faltered as she searched for her mother who was standing behind and away from the rituals, her face one among the crowd, her lips muttering shlokams with an expectant yet sad smile, praying that her daughter and son-in-law be the happiest couple there ever lived!
This is a sight that is almost normalized in families headed by single women/men, where their participation in the rituals of their own children’s wedding is limited to being a spectator, that they sadly even do not appear in many photographs of this memorable day.
So why is it that the mother must lurk behind, a step away from all the festivities, looking at her daughter from a distance like a guest, while praying the best for her. Yes, she does not have a husband now. But does that take away any importance of her role as a mother? If anything, does it not add even more importance for having played the role of a mother, as well as that of a father?
We are all aware about the many rituals that must be performed by the people who have lost their spouses, and in good interest – to seek blessings from the departed souls. While this is to be done by the single parents, why are the happy occasions then not reserved for them. Must they really watch their own children’s weddings from a distance?
Though this seems quite illogical and unfair to the rational mind, even today we see that single parents stay away from the rituals in their children’s weddings, even voluntarily as regressive thoughts of luck or being inauspicious is imbibed in their mindsets as well. It is also true that there is also another patriarchal perspective to this scenario. The world does not behave the same way with single mothers, as it does with single fathers. After all, both genders go through the same toiling and mind draining process of dealing with the losses their significant other, but the world has a bias here too for the women, as compared to the men.
This bias also inadvertently then creates a superstitious link between the respect/acknowledgement that is to be given to a woman with her supposed ability or contribution in increasing the longevity of her husband’s life, something which we all know is not in our hands. We think such beliefs have been carried on through generations and so must have a meaning and continue to follow something blindly, without realizing the kind of ill effects it has on the mental health of a person who is already dealing with a lot.
So how did this originate?
Well, we cannot be entirely sure, but when we refer to the Hindu mythology, we see ideologies of celebration of “Pativratas” (a virtuous wife who has made a vow to her husband of her devotion and protection). It is also said that the devotion of a Pativrata can cause longevity to her husband’s life (Story of Savitri).
But we also do have many examples of majestic women in our mythology who have ruled kingdoms post losing their husband, such as Kunthi Devi; further, in the story of Nala and Damayanti, it is said that Damayanti had a 2nd Swayamvaram which was even participated by the Gods (after everyone else thought Nalan to be dead). No one considered her to be any less of a Pativrata or “inauspicious” because of Nalan’s supposed death.
While the stories here celebrate the devotion of a wife to her husband who was alive, the interpretation of the inverse seems to be entirely a social construct with unhealthy associations of ideas of luck and auspiciousness.
At the end of the day, it all dials down to this simple fact. If a wedding or any other happy occasion occurs in the family, it is a no-brainer that the parents would be the happiest to see their children happy. After all, the only ask here is to finally let the people, who have struggled all through the greater part of their lives, be equally involved and shine in the happy occasions of their own family; and not to watch the same like a spectator.
As a society, the indication of evolution is in throwing away redundant practices which serve no meaning at all, and in adapting to a more inclusive environment. If that is too much of an ask, then are we really as broad minded as we claim to be?
Disclaimer: All thoughts here are personal only. I understand that this may be a controversial topic for some, but since this is a no-brainer for me, I am okay to agree to disagree now itself in case of opposing opinions and save both of our time. 😊
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